Harry Potter and the Pirate's Wand
by hortus-deliciarum
Summary: Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny come across a ridiculous fanfiction story. They decide to take into their own hands and revamp it, giving the story a little more plot and humor. AU
1. Take One: Papayas & Piranhas

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter.  
**Summary:** Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny come across a ridiculous fanfiction story. They decide to take it into their own hand and revamp it, giving the story a little more plot and humor. AU  
**Author's Note: **The short italicized fanfic (also dubbed "Harry Potter and the Pirate's Wand") was a story I wrote in Grade 3 before I even knew what fanfiction was. We were supposed to write a story and GOF had just come out. Unfortunately, my teacher didn't entirely approve. While I got an 80%, her comment was "_Well written Harry Potter story. For next time, it is very important that you write a story of your own. Create your own setting and your own characters._" It was reasonable.

* * *

**Harry Potter and the Pirate's Wand**

Awaking with a start, Harry heard a shriek of laughter emanating from the kitchen. He furled his brow. What could Hermione and Ginny possibly be doing that caused them to laugh so much? Decisively, he began to make his way out of his old – and sagging – favorite comfy chair. He tiptoed out of the den into the hall and softly headed to the kitchen doorway. Poking his head around the empty doorframe, he spotted Hermione and Ginny sitting at the table with their backs to him. They were bent over Hermione's muggle laptop and whispering amongst each other. Harry took in a deep breath and continued tiptoeing towards them. As he grew closer, he began to discern words in their muffled conversation.

"Oh yeah, 'cause I would _ever_ become a _duck_ animagus." Hermione scoffed.

"Oh, and I would date _Dumbledore_?" Ginny asked, giggling madly. Harry paused. He had no idea what they were on about. Grinning mischievously, he reaffirmed his decision to find out. Once he was within arm's reach of Hermione, he jumped forward and grabbed her shoulders, yelling at the top of his lungs! Both girls jumped and cried out, before swiftly turning around to beat Harry for scaring them.

"Whoa, calm down, calm down. I was just – trying – ow! I just wanted to see what was so funny!" Harry said, laughing and ducking behind his arms. Once Hermione and Ginny were satisfied, they turned back to the computer and made room for Harry to see.

"We're reading fanfiction." Ginny said excitedly. Harry groaned. "No really! It's incredibly addicting. And people write the funniest things about us, I mean –"

"But they keep making me go out with Malfoy! It's _wrong_!" Harry shuddered. "Or _Snape_." Hermione chuckled.

"Are you sure you don't want to read the one about –"

"NO!" Harry made to stand up. "I don't see why you guys find it so great. There's about a million stories where I get locked somewhere with someone I hate and end up making out with them, and those are the _good_ ones." Ginny put a hand on one of his shoulders and pushed him back down.

"Ok, just read this one. We're not reading any bad ones right now, only ridiculously funny ones." Harry sighed in defeat.

"Alright. But there better not be any dancing Dudleys in this one." Hermione grinned and turned back to the computer. As she scrolled down the page, they heard heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. An audible creak signified that Ron had not skipped the only loose floorboard in the staircase. He entered the kitchen with a perplexed expression as Hermione reached for the fruitbowl.

"What –" Suddenly, Hermione whipped a papaya at him, causing to simultaneously jump back and reach to catch it. Which did not work. Ron smacked the back of his hand hard on the doorframe, causing him to cry out and clutch it to his body in pain as he swung around, effectively whacking his head against the other side of the doorway. Ron froze, half bent over, and whimpered with suppressed agony. Harry and Ginny fell off their chairs as they gutted themselves laughing. Hermione was doubled over in silent laughter, one hand on her forehead and the other on her knee holding her up. She attempted to restrain herself. Gasping in for air, she stood up and made her way to Ron, barely managing to paste a sheepish look on her face. She guided Ron over to the table and retrieved an ice pack from the refrigerator freezer. She sat down again and looked at Ron apologetically.

"What. The heck." Ron said. Harry and Ginny, who had managed to compose themselves, fell apart again, using each other for support. Ron glared at them and they regained control of themselves.

"I'm sorry, Ron. I really, _truly_ have no idea why I did that." Hermione replied, her hand hiding her Malfoy-like smirk. Ron stared at her. Deciding not to probe the issue, he remembered why he had come down in the first place.

"As I was saying, what are you guys _doing_ down here? What were you screaming about…did Harry pelt you with fruit too?" Ginny snickered quietly as Hermione pointed at the screen.

"We're reading fanfiction and –"

"YES!" Ron sang out. "I love fanfiction, you should see what they do to Harry!"

"I know." Harry lamented as the girls beside him giggled. "It's awful," he continued, right when Hermione and Ginny coincidingly said "It's hilarious!" Hermione then clicked on the link entitled "Harry Potter and the Pirate's Wand".

* * *

_Harry Potter and the Pirate's Wand_

_Harry Potter was enjoying a letter from Sirius that Hedwig just brought him._

Dear Harry,  
How are you? I heard that Hogwarts students would be going to the ocean. Last year Beauxbatons went and the year before that Durmstrang went. Congratulations for your victory winning the Triwizard Tournament trophy.  
Love,  
Sirius

_**Bang, bang, bang!  
**_**  
**_"Are you awake boy?" Uncle Vernon roared. Harry was used to this. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were always being mean to him. Harry knew perfectly why; Harry was a wizard. "Did you hear me?" Uncle Vernon yelled again. Harry quickly put away his quills, parchments, and books from Hogwarts (Hogwarts School of Wizardry). Harry thought Hogwarts was the best wizard school ever! Beauxbatons didn't know proper English and Durmstrang taught dark arts._

_The next day, Uncle Vernon drove Harry to the train station. "Ron!" yelled Harry. Ron, Harry's schoolmate, ran over to Harry. "Let's go!" shouted George, walking through platform nine and three quarters. As soon as Harry climbed onto The Hogwarts Express, he decided to change into his robes. When Harry was done, he and Ron went to get some chocolate frogs._

_Soon, they were walking into the Gryffindor common room to meet Hermione. "Hi Hermione, why weren't you on the train?" asked Ron. "I stayed all summer with Hagrid and Fang." explained Hermione._

_On their first weekend, the Hogwarts students went to the ocean. As soon as Harry went into the water, he heard a little chomping noise and then Hermione scream._

"_Hermione, are you ok?" yelled Ron._

"_Piranhas! Piranhas!" screamed Hermione._

_Just then, Harry saw something glittering in the water. The snitch! No, a wand! Harry swam down and grabbed it. Human tooth marks. A pirate's wand! Then piranhas grabbed the wand and snapped it in half! "What're we going to do?" cried Ron._

"_Why don't we use the Killing Curse?" asked Harry._

"_AVADA KEDAVRA!" yelled Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Just then, all the piranhas dropped dead!_

_The next day, they were back at Hogwarts. "Everyone, I have decided that school is out for the rest of the year!" Professor Dumbledore told everyone._

"_Well, back to the Dursleys." said Harry._

"_Harry, stay at my house; that would be better." explained Ron._

_THE END_

* * *

"You know, as much as this sucks, it has the potential to be really interesting. I mean, we could write better than that." Hermione said, the cogs in her mind beginning to turn.

"Yeah! I'd have the piranhas eat Malfoy!" Ron suggested excitedly.


	2. Take Two: Hermione

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter.  
**Summary: **Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny come across a ridiculous fanfiction story. They decide to take into their own hands and revamp it, giving the story a little more plot and humor. AU

* * *

Hermione sprang up from her seat and pulled four rolls of parchment from the other end of the table. She swiped a mixture of quills and pens from the mess of supplies, which had all been pushed aside by Ginny earlier to make room for the laptop. She handed parchment and a writing utensil to Harry, Ron, and Ginny, and then sat down before acknowledging the boys' puzzled looks.

"Ok, write your own version of the story!" she said gleefully. Ginny immediately began scribbling down ideas.

"What, just _copy_ their story? I'm pretty sure that's not allowed." Harry said. Ron nodded in agreement as Hermione moved the laptop into the middle of the table, giving everyone room to write.

"Well, we won't post our versions without asking the author first," Hermione replied. "and I thought it might be interesting if we combined all our stories into one collaboration." She looked at Harry and Ron hopefully. "It'll be fun!"

"Wait, you mean we can write it our own way – _any_thing?" Ron said beseechingly. Hermione nodded. Ron smiled and laughed to himself. "Well then Malfoy better watch out!"

"Ok, maybe I'll give it a shot." Harry agreed.

"Great! But it has to have the same basic story." Hermione said. Then they all began to write.

As the morning oozed by into afternoon, the four had spread out across the room. Ron was laying on his stomach in front of the fridge and munching on the various leftovers he could reach from the floor. Hermione had ditched her parchment and quill, preferring to type on her laptop. She leaned back in her chair with her feet resting comfortably on the table. Harry was slouched in the doorway. His neck was propped up against one side while he lay across the threshold and leaned his long legs up the other side of the doorframe. He wrote on the hard surface of a stained cutting board and chewed on the cap of his pen while he thought. Ginny had long since given up and was currently in the den reading fanfiction on Harry's laptop. Her parchment, which had a few ideas scrawled on it, was resting on the table near Hermione's ankles.

"Done!" cried Ron. He flopped his head down on the parchment and didn't move.

"Me too." said Harry. He rolled over and lay on his stomach just like Ron was.

"I'm almost." replied Hermione, barely paying attention. Ron turned his head and glanced at Harry.

"Pst!" he hissed. Harry opened his eyes. Ron put his finger to his lips in the universally understood "shh" sign and pointed to the papaya earnestly. Harry kicked it over. Ron picked it up and then slowly got to his feet. He kneaded the papaya until it was disgustingly squishy. Light orange juice began to seep out as Ron mashed the fruit between both hands. Harry sat up and looked from Ron to Hermione.

"Done!" Hermione said proudly as she set her computer onto the table beside her legs. Then Ron hurled the papaya back at her. Hermione shrieked as it hit the side of her chair and exploded, showering her with bits of orange flesh and black seeds. She swung her legs off the table and stood up, intending to charge at Ron and pulverize him when she slipped on a chuck of papaya. Hermione grasped at the chair and table behind her, but to no avail! She landed flat on her rear as the boys ducked out of the room, their laughter ringing in her ears.

Hermione picked herself up from the floor and began to vanish the mess. As she scourgified her clothes, Harry and Ron returned with Ginny in tow. By the smirk on Ginny's face, Hermione knew they had recanted the tale.

"Ok, let's see these stories!" Ginny said excitedly. "I'll read them out loud and you can all listen." Hermione picked up Ron and Harry's stories and brought them to her computer as everyone else found comfortable positions near the table. Harry and Ron were laying on their stomachs in front of Ginny, who was sitting in Hermione's chair. Hermione sat on the floor behind the boys and waited to hear the stories.

"I'm going to read Hermione's first, ok? Ginny asked. "'Cause I'm sure it'll be the most boring." Ignoring Hermione's indignant huff, she began:

* * *

_Harry Potter and the Pirate's Wand_

_  
Professor Granger was working on a potion that would cure lycanthropy when she heard a knock at the door. She cast protective spells around the reactive potion and went to see who it was. Opening the door of her Potion Master's private study, she was unsurprised to see Ron and Harry, even though they had arrived unexpectedly._

"_We've got a plan." said Harry, grinning mischievously. "We're going to take the entire Gryffindor house on a secret surprise field trip!"_

"_What are you taking about?" Professor Granger said impatiently. "Have you even _talked_ to Dumbledore?"_

"_No. But don't worry, Ron and I have been working with Fred and George and we've created a mass drone spell. We'll smuggle the Gryffindors out and replace them with drones who will pretend to eat and walk around. It's only for the weekend, no one will notice." Harry looked proud of himself._

"_And just _where_ are you intending to take my Gryffindors?" Professor Granger asked. She couldn't believe Harry was serious._

"_The Pacific Ocean! Won't it be –"_

"_WHAT?! You can't be serious!" Hermione cried._

"_No, that's my godfather." Harry grinned, clearly impressed with his joke._

"_You can come too, Hermione." Ron said temptingly. Hermione sighed and pinched her nose._

"_That's not the issue, it's –"_

"_Having trouble boys?" Fred and George appeared behind Harry and Ron. "We'll take care of her. You know how to do the spell right?" After Harry nodded, he and Ron left to rouse the Gryffindors. Fred and George immediately tackled Hermione to the ground, straddling her chest and legs. George grabbed Hermione's wand from her hand just in time to avoid one of Ginny's infamous Bat-Bogey Hexes. Fred sent a cord out of his wand that began to wrap around Hermione's ankles. George tied her wrists and then they got off her. They rolled her over and hogtied her. Then Fred levitated Hermione's body and they made their way from the dungeons to the Gryffindor common room._

_When they crawled through the Fat Lady's portrait, Hermione was amazed to see two identical sets of Gryffindors. Four identical teenage versions of Sirius Black walked up to her. Two of them laughed as Hermione's eyes widened._

"_Don't worry, they're not all real." Fred whispered in her ear. She watched as Harry set up several portkeys around the room. One half of the Gryffindors all reached to touch a portkey. They all disappeared. Harry brought a portkey and set it on top of the levitating Hermione. Then he, Ron, and the twins all put a hand on it. Hermione felt the familiar tugging sensation around her navel as they transported away from Hogwarts._

_THUD. Fred lost concentration when they arrived at the ocean and Hermione fell flat on the ground, unable to protect herself. He twitched his wand and her bonds vanished. Immediately, Hermione grabbed her wand from his hand and sent him flying into the ocean. George was thrown in right after. Their loud splashes turned everyone's attention to the expanse of ocean beside them. Harry had portkeyed them to a low ridge near a beach. They were indeed at the ocean. As Fred and George emerged at the surface of the water, they screamed and desperately swam to the ridge._

"_Piranhas! Piranhas!" they cried. Harry and Ron hurried to help them. As Harry was hoisting George out of the water, he glimpsed something shining at the bottom._

"_Accio shiny thing!" he said. The object in question zoomed up towards him and jabbed George in the eye. Harry grabbed it before it fell back down and realized it was a wand. It had uneven human tooth marks where most wizards would have held it, leading him to suspect it's previous owner had been a pirate. Harry waved it absentmindedly and the water, which had been swarming and frothing in the excitement of the overeager piranhas went still. Then the surface of the water rippled from a central point five feet from him. Something began to quickly rise out of the water. Hermione squinted at the writhing black mass before realizing –_

"_It's the piranhas! It's a giant piranha monster!" she cried. Harry blinked quickly and began casting spells at the portkeys as the monster loomed closer to the ridge. Ron ordered the Gryffindors to go back to the common room __via the portkeys. The piranhas monster suddenly lurched towards Hermione and broke apart above her, the mass of fish consuming her. Harry threw the wand he had found back into the water and ran into the confusion with the last portkey. He felt Hermione's arm just as the portkey activated. They appeared in the Potion Master's private study, along with half a dozen vicious piranhas. Hermione shrieked and waved her arms trying to shake them off. Harry blasted them away from her one by one with his wand until Hermione was safe. She looked around and shrieked again, dismayed at the sight of 3 piranha skeletons floating in her lycanthropy potion. She picked the skeletons out and the potion turned a blood red._

"_No…it can't be!" Hermione whispered to herself. The potion fit the exact description her theories and predictions had mentioned._

_THE END_


	3. Take Three: Harry & Unexpected Guests

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter.  
**Summary: **Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny come across a ridiculous fanfiction story. They decide to take into their own hands and revamp it, giving the story a little more plot and humor. AU

* * *

"Read mine next!" cried Ron excitedly, dismissing Hermione's story entirely. Hermione gave him a look, to which he was oblivious. Ginny scanned Ron's and grinned evilly.

"Let's read Harry's." she said. Harry and Ron simultaneously groaned, but for separate reasons.

"Do we have to read mine? I only wrote it because she made me." said Harry desperately.

"Yeah, let's read mine!" pleaded Ron.

"No, no.." Ginny said patronizingly. "We'll read Harry's...now shut up."

* * *

_Harry Potter and the Pirate's Wand_

_  
__"Work slave, work!" The evil Dursleys were standing behind Harry as he carried heavy packages of shingles up the ladder to the roof. Dudley, Harry's cousin, was sitting and munching on chocolate cake that Harry had made. Suddenly the Order of the Phoenix arrived, led by none other than Albus Dumbledore himself. Dumbledore's anger lingered in the air around them like static. With a wordless wave of his wand, Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley were awkwardly tied together with bonds emitting from Dumbledore's wand. It was an awkward sight. Petunia's bony frame was squishing into the soft layers of her husband and son. They looked up at Dumbledore petulantly, defiance radiating from their eyes. He had no choice but to kill them._

_As he was about to send them into the Sahara desert to dry up like figs, Harry intervened._

"_Don't kill them Professor Dumbledore. Please, send them to live in a poor African village."_

"_Ah yes, that will do. At the very least, two of them might have a chance to slim down." With another flick of his wand, the Dursley's disappeared, only to live the rest of their life as ancient Egyptian slaves 3000 years previous. "Now Harry, I'd like to offer you a teaching position at Hogwarts. As you may have suspected, we need a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher." Dumbledore chuckled._

"_Of course, Professor, I'd love to." Harry said._

_It was the night before Harry's first lesson when he came up with the idea. "Should I? ..it'll be great...I must prepare...but what if? Oh, there's no time to ask Dumbledore!" He stayed up all night planning and preparing for his class. He quickly scrawled a message to Hermione, despite the late hour._

"_Hermione,  
I'm taking the 7th year DADA classes on a field trip tomorrow...can you take over my other classes?  
Harry"_

_He also wrote a quick note to Dumbledore._

"_Professor Dumbledore,  
I'd like to take the 7th year DADA classes on a field trip tomorrow...is that a problem? Please inform the other professors of our absence.  
Harry"_

_The next morning at breakfast, Dumbledore announced that the seventh year DADA students were to gather in the Entrance Hall. Harry met them by the doors and ushered everyone outside. He had arranged enough portkeys to fit one for every dozen students. After making sure all the students had left, he grabbed onto the last portkey._

_They had all arrived at a beach, where they would spend the day in the sun and defending themselves from whatever creatures, spells, or other such obstacles Harry deemed to throw at them. He decided to give them a half hour to get comfortable and used to their surroundings. Not long after they arrived, they heard a shriek._

"_No, it's mine! I found it!" Two boys were in a shouting match near a shadowed inlet._

"_Stuff it, you two, or I'll take it away from both of you and give it to Professor Potter." The bossy girl intervening reminded in inexplicably of Hermione's actions on numerous occasions. The trio almost seemed like a younger version of himself and his friends._

"_You wouldn't!" cried one of the boys._

"_Watch me!" the girl said. "Accio!" The object in question sped to her hand and she marched over to Harry, who had been slowly walking over to them. He recognized her as Moira Winters, a Ravenclaw. "Professor, Thunder here found this wand in the water." Harry glanced over at the sulking Slytherin in question – Mark Thunder._

"_And he wouldn't let me see!" interrupted the second boy, one Sebastian Brown, of Gryffindor._

"_Well you can hardly expect a Slytherin to hand something over to a Gryffindor." Harry chuckled. "But House rivalries aside, I need to see this wand." Moira handed it over and he waved it. Suddenly a plasmic substance secreted out from the end of the wand tip, convulsing and twisting until it resembled a humanoid figure. The purple figure had the top half of a pirate-like man and dwindled into a wisp of smoke._

"_A genie!" gasped the Gryffindor, giving away his muggle heritage._

"_I am the genie of the wand." it said. "I will grant you three wishes. They can be anything."_

"_I wish for a hundred more wishes!" Sebastian said triumphantly. The genie snapped his fingers. "Now I wish for a thousand galleons and a top of the line broom and-"_

"_You idiot." the Slytherin said, Moira nodding in agreement. "Why don't you use the brains you allegedly have? It doesn't matter, you're a waste of space anyway, I wish you would no longer exist." Before Harry could say anything to stop him, the genie detachedly snapped his fingers again and Sebastian disappeared._

"_By the way, you have one more wish." he said without emotion. Harry immediately silenced all of the students. _

"_I wish that you would undo your previous two wishes." he said dejectedly, his dreams of what could have been shattering from the stupidity of his students. His parents back, Tom Riddle having grown up with a loving family, a higher earning job for Mr. Weasley..._

_Harry shook out of his reverie and unsilenced the group. "Time go back," he said "this will have to wait for another day." He prepared the portkeys again for their return trip and shook the pirate genie's wand again. Nothing happened and he returned to the school, where he gave Mr. Brown a detention with Snape and Mr. Thunder a detention with Filch._

_THE END_

* * *

"Aww, Harry..." Ginny said teasingly.

"Shut up." Harry said. "I didn't think we'd read it out loud. Besides, it's just a story."

"Hey how come you guys both wanna be teachers?" Ron asked. Looking at his two friends in shock. "You can't do this to me..to us! What would Fred and George think?"

"Think of what, dear brother?" The unmistakable tones of the twins speaking in unison caused the four to turn to the doorway, where Fred and George stood casually.

"Harry and Hermione want to be teachers!" Ron cried despairingly. He covered his face with his hands. "I'm so ashamed."

"What? And leave your rule-breaking ways behind?" scoffed Fred.

"Noooo!" George wailed. "And you'll use the map to find students out of bed -"

"And the cloak to catch them..."

"Hogwarts will never be safe!" George pretended to sob on Fred's shoulder as Fred pat his back and scowled down disapprovingly at Harry. "I'm very disappointed in you." He said, sounding eerily like Molly. Laughing, Ginny explained to them what was going on.

"Well, let's get to Ronnikins' story, I don't want to miss it!" Fred said patronizingly.

"Oh yes, and ignore all his mistakes in spelling, grammar, sentence structure, and blithering away until he forgets what he was talking about." said George. Hermione snorted unbecomingly. All heads turned to her.

"What? I had to proofread and correct his assignments for seven years, I knew exactly what you're talking about!" Ron scowled. "Oh, just read it, Ginny."


	4. Take Four: Ron's Attempt at a Story

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter.  
**Summary: **Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny come across a ridiculous fanfiction story. They decide to take into their own hands and revamp it, giving the story a little more plot and humor. AU

* * *

_The Adventures of Ron (and sometimes Harry)_

_Ron Weasley was relaxing in the pool at Weasley Manor when Ginny walked over._

"_Oh darling brother," _[George snorted.] _she said "Someone's here to see you." She gestured to the sliding doors of the house: there stood Harry and Hemione. Then she left to leave him in peace." As Hermione ogled over Ron's hot body – his rock-hard abs, and flaming orange hair – Harry joined him in the pool._

"Ronald Weasley! Of all the uncouth -"

"Now, now, Hermione.." Fred interrupted "It's just a story. Don't worry, Ron doesn't have rock-hard abs." Ron sqwaked indignantly, but Ginny continued with the story.

"_You know guys, we should spruce things up this year. It's our last year at Hogwarts afterall." Ron suggested._

"_Oh _yes_, because fighting off Voldemort from the Philosopher's stone, fighting off Voldemort and a Basilisk, fighting off Dementors and a werewolf, the Triward Tournament, fighting off Voldemort, fighting off Umbridge with Dumbledore's Army, meeting Grawp, fighting off Death Eaters AND Voldemort, and oh...fighting off Voldemort has been terribly boring and in need of excitement. I mean, that's exactly what we've been lacking. I don't know how we'll manage to keep ourselves entertained now that Voldemort's dead." Hermione drawled sarcastically._

"_Exactly." said Ron smugly. Harry grinned. _

"_Why don't we resurrect the ol' Marauder spirit and make them proud?" he said. Hermione shook her head in defeat, but grinned all the same. "After all, we've got the map, the cloak, and a relatively remarkable amount of free time on our hands." _

"_Wait a minute! We do NOT have free time! We have to study for N.E.W.T.s, they're less than a year away and..." Tuning her out, the boys looked at each other and nodded once in the recognizable we-both-just-had-the-same-idea-and-now-let's-do-it manner._

"_Sorry, Hermione." said Harry, imitating everything cool James Bond has ever said. Hermione paused in what she was saying to look questioningly at him._

"_Stupify." muttered Ron impressively, considering his wand was over by his jeans on the patio table. Then he levitated her onto the side of the pool, taking care not to whack her head on the cement._

_The next day they boarded the Hogwarts Express. Hermione was reading over their new texts while Ron and Harry whispered between themselves. They were planning out their first plan._

"_Spss..whss...and then we'll....apparate.." Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed._

"_You can't apparate or disapparate on Hogwarts grounds. Do I need to tattoo it to your foreheads?"_

"_Wizard or muggle?" Ron asked._

"_Both."_

"_Er, I think we got it." he said quickly._

_The next morning they got their schedules. To everyone's dismay they had double potions with the Slytherins first thing._

"_How can they do this to us?! The first class of what supposed to be our best year is spent with the people we hate the most!" cried Hermione._

"Excuse me? That's something _you_ would say." Hermione interrupted.

"Shh!" said Fred.

_With much regret, the seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins trudge miserably to potions, displaying the only thing they shared in common: their hatred for each other. Once everyone had settled, Snape looked at Ron and glared at his friends who were surrounding him._

"_Mr. Weasley...please remind the class of the 12 uses of Dragon blood and which ones Professor Dumbledore discovered." he drawled._

"_Umm...well you see..." Ron knew the answer, but as Hermione's hand shot up beside him, he also knew it was better to continue his facade and let her feel special for supposedly being the intelligent one._

"_Miss Granger, lower your hand. I believe I clearly stated that the question was directed to Mr. Weasley. Thirty points from Gryffindor, as you are clearly not a Mr., though your status of not being a Weasley will probably be subject to change. Mr. Weasley, as you have clearly not articulated any practical response, I believe it is safe to assume you do not know the answer. Twenty points from Gryffindor for your complete lack of retaining simple knowledge that was supposedly your homework." Snape glowered at them all. Ron, having enough of it, waved his wand. His clothes vanished -all except his hippogriff boxers- and he pulled a red cape from his bookbag. To complete the look, he tied around his head a white sash with a blazing black "R". He jumped onto Snape's desk and said "Behold, it is I, Ron-Man!"_

"RON-MAN!?!" Ginny cried, not sure she had read it correctly. She looked up and joined everyone in staring incredulously at Ron, who's eyes were closed and had not yet noticed the 10 saucer-sized eyes fixed his way. He asked his question immediately after Ginny spoke, making the mistake of also opening his eyes.

"Hey why'd you stop-AGHK!" Simultaneously, everyone burst into gut-splitting laughter. Confused, Ron watched as they all laughed so hard there were tears streaming out of their eyes.

"RON-MAN?!?" George repeated. "Now I know what to get you for Christmas...a nice maroon jumper that says _RON-MAN_ on it." Fred, who had managed to quell his laughter, broke once again into uncontrollable guffaws.

"Oh, just get on with it." Ron said irritated. "Wait-"

"Oh no..you're absolutely right, Ron. I think we'll continue..." said Ginny, who had skimmed ahead.

_As Ron said this, a shining light illuminated him, making his hair look like fire and his fine-toned body even more impressive. All the girls (including the vile Pansy Parkinson) swooned...and some of the guys, to their own disgust._

"_Ron-man?" asked Hermione. "But how could you be a super-hero? You're just..."_

"_Oblivious and untalented Ronald Weasley?" Ron chuckled, seeing Hermione's hesitation. "Don't worry, it was all a ploy. My bumbling manner was merely to disguise my genius and general awesomeness. And you have no idea how difficult is was to feign my inadequacies as Gryffindor Keeper when I have the talent and reflexes to put even Viktor Krum to shame. I don't think so, Petrificus Totalus!" Snape, who had been creeping towards Ron with his wand outstretched, fell onto his back, glaring vehemently. "Now, where was I...oh yes. I have decided that I have no need for this git's class anymore, since I have the whole textbook memorized." Hermione tried not to swoon at Ron's brilliance, but it was very difficult. "And so, I have decided to take over the class today, as a favour to Snape, and we are going on a field trip to the beach. Being Ron-Man, I can do things others cannot. Everyone link hands and I will group-apparate us from Hogwarts to a hidden island in the Mediterranean. Ron Weasley is amazing! Those are the magic words..."_

_Everyone appeared on a magnificent beach._

"_Go play everyone!" said Ron-Man importantly. "This is an escape from school so go-ACK! What's _he_ doing here?" Ron-Man had just spotted Snape marching over to him and looking furious. "Snape! Go away!"_

"_One hundred and fifty points from Gryffindor when we get back, Mr. Weasley." Snape intoned._

"_That's _Ron-Man_ to you, Snape. Unless you'd prefer "Ron Weasley, to whom I could never compare". Ugly gits don't get rights." Then Ron-Man flicked his wand and Snape was hogtied and hanging from a far-reaching branch of a tree nearby. "Hmmm," thought Ron-Man. Then he had an idea. "Oi! Everyone pay attention to me!"_

"You know, Ron, that doesn't sound much different than usual." Fred said seriously. He laughed heartily when Ron thumped him on the head.

"_Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws! Go make us a huge fort, and I want secret passageways and underground tunnels...and the Bat Mobile!" All the students who weren't of muggle heritage looked at Ron-Man strangely, but anyone familiar with muggle entertainment just laughed. "Slytherins! Go soak your heads!" The Slytherins smiled smugly at each other for not having to do any work. The realized Ron-Man hadn't been joking when he lazily levitated them all and tossed them into the water. Then they all began screaming._

"_Piranhas! PIRANHAS!" Everyone looked over and, sure enough, piranhas were chomping onto the Slytherins. Ron-Man watched with glee._

"_Ron! You have to do something, you can't just let them..Ron!" Hermione shouted. Ron-Man sighed._

"_Fine..." Then he lifted all the Slytherins out of the water and back to safety on dry land...all that is, except Malfoy. "You know, I think it's time to go back to the school. Accio Malfoy's wand!" Ron-Man took them all back to the dungeons (conveniently forgetting about Snape). "You! Take this to Dumbledore and tell him Malfoy and Snape vanished themselves or something." Then Ron-Man settled back into his alter ego, mild-mannered Ron Weasley, and sat down with Harry and Hermione. "Obliviate!" he muttered and the whole class forgot about what had just happened._

_THE END_

* * *

"Mild-mannered?" asked Hermione dubiously, as she raised an eyebrow. Ron crossed his arms indignantly and asked,

"Are you implying I'm not?"

"Yeees." Hermione replied slowly, as she were talking to some moron who should already know the answer. (Oh wait..)

"Ron, that was the most boring thing I have ever heard. And since when do you have hippogriff boxers?" George said.

"Yeah, I thought all yours had pygmy puffs..." Fred added.

"Well boys, I think it's time we were leaving." George said, ignoring the fact that two of their number were _not_ boys. "And as a parting suggestion, I would advise you to burn-" he pointed to Ron's story "-that."

"Here, I'll do it," Fred said grinning. "Incendio." The parchment in Ginny's hands lit on fire and, startled, she dropped it. The flames spread to the other parchments that she had also been holding so that, in a matter of seconds, all the stories were gone. The flames vanished. "Well that's my good duty for the day. We'll be off!" With that, Fred and George apparated away.

"Ohh..I was hoping to combine them and make one great story." Hermione moaned.

"NO!" Ron wailed. "That would be the most awful thing ever because...your guys' sucked and mine was awesome and...no!! Harry nodded in agreement. "I didn't even want to do it in the first place."

"Fine. Then I'm going to go back and read other people's fanfiction, like I was doing before." Hermione huffed.

"Okay! Can we read the one where you go back in time and you're actually Harry's mother?" Ron asked excitedly.

"What?! Eww!" Harry looked horror-stricken and bolted from the room.

"I know a better one, Ron." Ginny smirked evilly. "There's this one where we all play truth or dare and somehow you and Malfoy end up snogging naked in the closet."

"Wha...no...di...I...ahhhhhh" Ron covered his face with his hands and dragged them down in horror and disgust. His eyes rolled upward and he passed out, falling back onto the floor. Quietly, Ginny levitated him into the living room, where Harry had a manly movie (explosions, blood, and ridiculously long and destructive car chases....must've been Terminator) playing with the sound system cranked. Upon feeling the testosterone practically oozing from the screen and hearing the massive destruction and gunfire, Ron immediately awoke. Ginny crept quietly (though she could have stomped in steel-toed boots without being noticed) back to the kitchen and continued reading fanfiction with Hermione.


End file.
